Chapter 1   A Thief In The Night?

Coal Mining Town To Star Birth

Is there a Thief in the Night?  That truly may be the best description of the impact of Telling vs. Asking.  Think about the opportunities that you’ve allowed to be stolen from you in relationships and desired results when you continually tell others what to do; telling how you’ve been ham-strung by circumstances, telling others what to think, telling, telling and more telling.  Telling ad nauseam.  You and others just can’t wait for the time to move on and move away from the continual teller.  Or, introspectively; “Am I the teller and not the listener now?”  What you had really hoped for is to build trusting relationships that reinforce the goodness in others and reveal your true nature. Yes, sharing dreams that ultimately culminate in heartfelt understanding as we grow together in this life; building a sense of community; the tribe.  High value, low risk.  How do we get there when the path isn’t clear and when trust hasn’t been established?

Let’s take a step back and ask ourselves this simple question.  What do I expect and then the question, what expectations have I set with others in relationship development?  Or, do I simply believe that the other person can and should read my mind?  What will happen in our relationships if we become clear about what we expect and what we are prepared to give?  What are our intentions?  Yes, early in the development process.  Would it be helpful for us to Listen in on Bob and Mollie for a moment and see how their relationship is working?  Good…glad you’re in it with me as we listen.

As Bob began to share his life of many years with Mollie, recollections of childhood in Harmony, PA came over Bo like a flood.  No dam or spillway to hold back or redirect the waters.  Bob was about 10 as the story goes and his village of Harmony became a central figure.  Harmony was a coal mining town.  Mining was the way of life.  Dirty, dark and dreary.  But somehow Bob rose above the shackles of time and terrain.

As a young lad Bob lived in a small house.  Each house had two families living in them.  Coal mining town you know.  These homes were owned by a coal mining company in Harmony.  Did I mention that the town got its name from the coal mining boss’s wife?  Yep, her name was Harmony.  But there wasn’t much harmony in Harmony.    Bob remembers hearing neighbors cough at night with black lung disease from working in the mines.  Many neighbors were of different ethnicity and often didn’t speak in English.  There were Polish and Italian families close by and many families used alcohol to weather the storms of life.  With alcohol came bitter times as families fought and struggled to make it through the night, next day and to the next payday.

Years later bob enlisted in the Air Force to find a brighter future, leaving the coal mines behind.  Bob really enjoyed learning and sharing the good life finding joy at each turn along life’s road.  Somehow the tough times of childhood had prepared Bob to find good in the difficult.  Leaving the Air Force behind, Bob found his way back to the small town of Irwin just 5 miles from where he grew up.  There in Irwin Bob found work in a bank as a teller.  Turns out this bank was largely owned by its president who had this beautiful daughter named Mollie. Bob’s humor caught the eye of this beautiful and joyous Mollie.  Whenever Mollie would come in Bob would hide behind the counter and pop up to Mollie’s surprise.  After all, it was Bob that she was searching for all the while.  Another reason for Bob’s disappearing act was to hide his smoking from Mollie and the bank’s president. Smoking in the bank was not allowed. But Bob couldn’t hide as his smoke plumes wafted skyward.

During the days ahead, Mollie and Bob became great friends and ultimately intimate lovers parenting a wonderful son and lovely daughter.  Now with grandchildren of their own, vacations on the Florida coast in the winter and a new cottage in the Carolinas, Bob and Mollie could not be happier; loving and growing together as they encourage yet another generation.  Bob gave up smoking years ago and Mollie still laughs at Bob’s jokes.  She’s developed quite a humor as well and plays the piano in ways reminiscent of the bars of old yet with the skill of a concert pianist.  While sharing this story, has it occurred to you what has happened that was a trigger point of this vignette?  Yes, you’ve got it, Bob asked the question. Mollie will you marry me?  Bob didn’t tell Mollie to marry him.  Bob asked!  Don’t the best new beginnings always begin with asking?  Each day as we grow whether as a young child or more mature person of 100 + years, isn’t it always the question that opens the door and paves the road to our destiny?  Often the door of destiny for others?    To discovery?  To new life and relationships?  Don’t we often have an opportunity to tell our story?  Doesn’t it work best when it begins with someone asking?  A star is born.  Yes, the star is the question for it gives birth to star clusters and newer brighter stars continue to be born.  Bob and Mollie are stars too; but without the star question, Bob may have been Bob and not Bob and Mollie.

How do we get there?  Asking, not telling?  Isn’t trust built accretion by accretion, ant hill by ant hill, year by year, experience by experience through the good times and more importantly through the tough times?  Mollie and Bob trust each other.  Do you have people in your life that you trust; people that trust you?  Let’s pause for a moment and write those names in the page that follows.  Then thoughtfully reflect on each name and consider writing a note to them to let them know how you value them and why.

You’ll feel the exhilaration that comes with doing so.  My experience is that you and your trusted ones will be incredibly blest as a result for years to come. Consider asking in closing, “Is there anything that I can be for you that I’m not presently being”?  Notice that I didn’t ask is there anything that I can do for you?  While that should be implicit, the reality is that relationships are born and s strengthened though being, less by doing.  It is your core that is attractive more than anything you can do for someone.  Isn’t that your experience?

Trust Table 1

Names of People I Trust	Why is that?

Trust Table 2

Names of People That Trust Me	Why is that?

Was one table easier to complete than the others?  Your thoughts are important as you plan your actions to building even stronger relationships.

Reflective Notes:  Would you like a little help as you begin?

1. What is really important to me?  My core, what I value, my strengths, what might I do to be encouraged and to encourage others? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________